A Journal of Awkward

October 2024

I ordered a new sweater the other day from Amazon.  Amazingly, it arrived about 14 hours later.  Literally at the crack of dawn.  That never fails to astonish me.  But that’s off track from where I am taking you today.  We will save discussing that miracle of logistics for another time.

I loved the sweater.  I put it on, right from the package and pranced around the house.  Of course, I asked my wife what she thought.  With minor indifference, she looked up from her laptop and replied, “Very nice”.  Notice the lack of an exclamation point there.  She wasn’t all that impressed.  I didn’t care, I really loved it!  It fit perfectly and looked great.

I asked her to inspect and see if there were any tags on it that needed to be removed.  She glanced at me pirouetting about and said “Nope”.  Her indifference was still evident.  But, I wasn’t bothered by her apathy.  She was occupied at the helm of our household empire. Probably doing something irrelevant like paying our bills, changing our health care coverage, or organizing our future funerals and wakes.  She is very efficient! Essentially, she is the empress of our little kingdom.  And I couldn’t be happier that she loves that responsibility.

However, in her indifference she failed to see a big tag that hung under one armpit and a sticker on the back of the sleeve. She may be a fantastic household administrator, but she will never be a clothing inspector!  Of course, I didn’t see them either.  So, I wore the sweater around for hours, going to three different stores and a restaurant. 

I noticed people looking at me all day.  I was thinking, of course, that they were admiring my new wardrobe acquisition.  That bubble was burst when an elderly woman came up to me at the grocery store and said with a grin, “New sweater?”.  I said, “Indeed it is”, excitedly. She then pointed out the tag under the armpit and the XL sticker on the inside of the sleeve. Damn!

Moderately humiliated, I thanked her.  My ego disrupted to say the least. I walked away slowly tugging at the tag and the tape, not very discreetly I might add.  I could see everyone else around us giggling. At least that is what my damaged pride told me. I can be such a dummy! But as I was walking to my truck, I began to chuckle.  It just seemed so funny to me.  Humorous how odd, little things can cause such awkwardness.  Almost mortification.  And how personal this is.  Meaning what bothers some people doesn’t bother others at all.  And vice versa. 

All this made me ponder things that are embarrassing or awkward.  Especially in social settings.  And of course, it’s easy to think of loads of them.  At least it was for me.  Like walking around in public for a few hours with your zipper down, or rambling through a crowded grocery store and stumbling over a non-existent something on the floor, or when you think someone waves at you, so you wave back, but they were waving at someone behind you. Dumb stuff but, well… Awkward!

Truthfully, I don’t get embarrassed that easily.  Not anymore. I am generally too old for such things. But feeling awkward is a little different than being embarrassed.  It’s really quite basic.  Something that might even have originated with you as a child and has stuck with you through adulthood.  Just little things that can still make you squirm. Even when you just think about them.  I know you understand what I’m talking about.  We all have them!

I remember once, during the latter stages of the Covid-19 pandemic, I had my normal seasonal allergies. I was in an airport, masked of course.  People seemed to look at me with hatred in their eyes every time I sneezed or blew my nose.  They were sensitive and rightly so. So was I! At some point, I pulled down my mask to take a drink of coffee and swallowed wrong. That started me on an utterly ridiculous coughing fit.  Almost convulsing.  People couldn’t get away from me fast enough.  They were literally tripping over one another trying to escape.  I felt like a leper. That feeling was a little beyond awkward!

But I don’t have to look back far to find awkward moments.  I have a plethora of recent woes to recant.  In fact, I only have to look back to this week to come up with a handful of fairly uncomfortable instances.  That is why I was laughing walking back to my truck after the sweater incident.  I had endured quite a week.  Every day offered an adventure in awkwardness.

It started on Sunday, watching football at a friend’s house.  I had barely settled in and sadly, I had to poop. Something I loathe doing at someone else’s house. That in itself is a little awkward for me, to say the least.  With as much discretion as possible, I slipped away from the group and found my way to the bathroom. Indeed, a sad situation. To top it off, after making short work of the event, I was horrified to find I had plugged the toilet.  Not good! Thankfully there was a plunger handy, and I was able to take care of the clog without a great deal of fanfare.  Whew!

My week was just getting started.  On Monday I took my grandson to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal.  I went through the drive through, ordered and pulled forward toward the window to pay.  Embarrassingly, I found that I had no wallet, no money, and no phone.  I sheepishly explained the situation when I got up to the window.  The attendant politely shooed me away. Awful!

On Tuesday evening I was at a local bar watching a basketball game with my son and a group of friends. After several beers I went to use the bathroom. As I proceeded to wash my hands, the faucet exploded like Old Faithful.  Soaking the front of my pants like I had emptied my entire bladder there.  After drying it the best I could, I crept back to my group trying my best not to showcase my incident to the bar patrons.  I was unsuccessful, as I noticed a few stares at my crotch as I wound my way through the bar. And of course, no one at my table believed me when I tried to explain what had happened.  Their taunts added to the awkwardness of the moment.  Another fine memory that is certain to be recanted for the next many years.

My adventures continued on Wednesday.  I was having lunch with a group of old workmates. I attempted to muffle a sneeze, which set forth a decidedly audible fart. I worked hard to cover it up by squeaking my shoes on the floor, and shuffling my chair, but I know it didn’t work.  They were all polite enough not to say anything, but their silence told the story. It was decidedly awkward.  I was sure off to a horrific week in terms of bodily functions!

Thursday, well I guess I took the day off from embarrassment and awkwardness.  I can’t recall anything of significance on this day. But Friday brought new adventures.  I was at the grocery store and saw someone I had known and known quite well, years ago. But I couldn’t for the life of me remember his name.  And this was the 3^rd time I had seen him in the last several weeks.

I hate it when you've had multiple interactions with someone, but you can't remember their name. Yet, they not only know yours, but also your wife’s, your kids, even your dog’s name! Humbling to say the least. It quickly goes beyond the time limit where you can admit you've forgotten their name, so you just have to call them “my friend”, or “partner”, or “dude”.  After a few awkward moments of talking about old times we parted ways.  I drew a sigh of relief. 

What a week!  And today is only Saturday, who knows what adventures it will bring!  Yet pondering all of this has made me believe that most of these situations shouldn’t be embarrassing at all. Or even awkward for that matter. Regardless, they are!  Often no matter how hard we try to rationalize them away. 

But if you really think about it, showing signs of mild embarrassment might be quite socially constructive.  It shows you’re human and fallible, just like everyone else.  It makes you real and relatable, as everyone has these flashes of fickleness.  I also believe that if you look closely at these moments, the more likely you are to realize that navigating through life can be kind of fun.  If you don’t overthink it. Or rely on my wife for fashion advice.  And remember, always keep a plunger handy!