The Role of Toilet Paper

February

Today, as I changed my roll of toilet paper, needing to make the momentous decision of “over the top” versus “under the bottom” of the roller, I pondered the origin of this material, as well as the practice of wiping one’s bottom.  I obviously have too much time on my hands.  Thankfully, because of toilet paper, that’s all I have on my hands today.  I know, I know.  Yuck, right?  Well, just think about a time before toilet paper. Don’t you wonder what that was like?

As I began this journey, I recalled that as the Covid-19 pandemic entered our lives in 2020, store shelves were quickly cleared of toilet paper, revealing the product’s obvious, yet silently intimate role in modern society. Although humans have likely cleansed their rear ends in some way for as long as they have defecated, “Three-ply” or “Ultra-hygiene” are recent innovations for scraping one’s anus. 

What I have learned from a vast body of research, well ok, a google search, is that before the introduction of commercially available toilet paper in the mid-1800s, people relied on less extravagant and less comfortable ways to wipe their bums. They were extremely creative, long before “Don’t Squeeze the Charmin” became a marketing gimmick.

Humans are quite unique in the animal world, regarding their anal cleaning regimen.  In general, most animals don’t make a habit of wiping after defecation.  Generally, because it is unneeded. But as humanoids evolved into a bipedal species, we developed a buttock.  Our gluteus muscles acting as a counterweight to allow our spine to support us as we ambled about pooping. These same muscles gave us the abundant butt cheeks that are unique to humans.  These seat cushions also get in the way of allowing us to poop freely without catching a few undesirable Klingons. Without them, we might just stroll around horse-like, letting loose whenever struck by the sensation.  

Some mammals, it’s true, do clean themselves when necessary.  If you have a cat, think of it licking itself.  Yummy right?  But only the most flexible animals would be able to pull off that grooming trick. The rest of us wouldn’t likely work too hard to copy this, even if we could. Nor does it seem appealing to follow the lead of those species that occasionally drag their rear end along the ground to tidy up. I also doubt the social acceptability of this practice.

Humans in all time periods have used a variety of natural tools and materials to cleanse themselves. In ancient times, wiping with stones and other hard and available materials was common. Rinsing with water or snow was also popular if it was available. Some cultures opted for shells or bits of animal fur. 

Archaeological as well as written records indicate that ancient Romans used sponges on a stick, known as “Tersoriums”. These were reusable and shareable forms of anal hygiene.  Remembering the ancient Romans had a complex system of sanitation that was way ahead of its time. It also seems that beyond this communal sponge, the Greeks and Romans also used moss or leaves, even broken bits of pottery to scrape away left over poo.  Ouch! Not quite my Cottonelle “extra-soft”.

As human culture progressed into more modern times, our sensibilities about poo removal advanced as well.  Taboos and rituals developed around this, some rooted in prudence, others in revulsion. Our change in diet likely had something to do with this as well.  For whatever the reason, pooping became a much more personal and private situation.  If I am not mistaken, the bible offers some specific instructions on how to conduct a proper session of elimination. The wiping process changed with the times.

After eons of using random objects, toilet paper enters the picture. For the Chinese in was hundreds of years ago.  Europeans lagging “behind” a bit.  It was the 1840’s before toilet paper became a commodity.  And with it evolved a multi-billion-dollar industry.  And with Covid, the fanatical practice of toilet paper hoarding began as well.

However, I can provide a solid account of the 1930’s in the rural US.  Both of my parents remembered with some frugal fondness, using the ripped-out pages from the annual Sears Roebuck catalog for their post poop scrape in their outdoor commode. Knowing nothing of a softer, gentler, less ink-covered alternative, until they were well into their teenage years. That’s when internal plumbing forced a more flushable form of wipe-age. Until their dying day, they bought the cheapest, hardest toilet paper available.  Not understanding why anyone would need to spend extra money to create an aesthetic experience out of an ass cleanse.

Today, many cultures prefer the gentle cleansing of the bidet, as a water-based alternative to the physical wiping event. I tried one of these once or twice while visiting Europe back in the 1990’s.  It was a unique experience.  My first attempt elicited more of an enema, versus a solid spray cleaning.  I guess there is a bit of an art to using this tool properly.

Bathroom protocols and toilet paper utilization are now somewhat social taboos.  They certainly are not topics of conversation at most dinner parties or social events. Unless you grew up in my household, where it tends to be a part of most discussions. There is unquestionably a great deal of humor in all of this.  I can think of a few real-life experiences I am willing to share. Sorry in advance if I offend anyone!

One of my first public toilet lessons is to always check for toilet paper prior to sitting down to conduct your business.  Several times I have failed to do this, and it really puts you in a bit of a spot if there is nothing available within reach. But just because it is there, doesn’t mean it is available.  You also must test its dispensability.  I have had the occasional roller that won’t roll.  Maybe the most frustrating conundrum in the history of public bathrooms.  You can see the stuff, but it just won’t budge. I have scraped and clawed until I had toilet paper under my fingernails but was still unable to adequately wipe.

I have also had the “free roll” challenge.  That is where the toilet paper is not attached to anything.  Not a major problem, until you clumsily fumble it, and it rolls away. Leaving in a trail of tears the sheets on the floor, leading to parts unknown outside of your stall.  One that you then must try to gently tug to coax the roll to return intact. Or to pull off enough paper to get the job done.  There is no five second rule for toilet paper when one is in need. What might be worse is when a kind Samaritan comes forth to return your wandering roll.  He smiles knowingly when you open the door to let him hand it back to you. The ultimate humiliation!

We talked about alternatives to toilet paper from our history as a species. I have a more recent example.  I was on a ski trip once to the French Alps with 3 other friends.  We had a tiny room with a tiny bathroom.  Sadly, there was a multiple day blizzard that forced us to be in our rooms most of the time. Even more unfortunate, we all got a varying degree of a foodborne illness whose manifestation was volatile gas and explosive diarrhea. We quickly ran out of toilet paper and could not get out to try to find any.  We were relegated to using socks as a toilet paper alternative.  At least it didn’t get to the point where we were using chards of pottery like our ancestors.  Yes, we used our own socks.

Finally, and maybe the worst story I can think of at this moment is a pooping in the woods story.  Talk about going back in time, to an era of less comfortable anal cleansing.  It happened on a golf trip, on a golf course far from the friendly confines of a Porto-Jon. A friend of mine couldn’t wait, so he made his way into the woods.  After concluding the event, he reached back to wipe by grabbing a handful of leaves, much like our ancestors in antiquity.  Sadly, within the handful of leaves and grass was poison ivy.  It put a major damper on the rest of the trip for this guy.  But a memorable story for sure! 

I think that’s enough. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the inventor of wiping, or toilet paper.  We’ll never know the first human to slide a digit or foreign object between their buttocks after taking a deuce. A hero that deserves recognition in the annals of history.  I couldn’t resist that. By the way, I prefer “over the top” regarding toilet paper delivery. Almost obsessively.