Having your shit together, or not!

June 2026

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “Wow, they really have their shit together?” Or hear someone talking about their life and family, and maybe covet their success?   You may even really envy them. Wondering, why is my life not like that?  Today I am pondering this.  Why do some people seem to have everything so “together”?  What makes some people seem so well-adjusted, and appear to have continuous successes in life that are on display for all to see? An existence drenched in happiness?

Yet of course, this is one of life’s fallacies.  No one has a perfect existence. Everyone has issues and baggage. In many cases, what you’re seeing that may spark a little envy is someone “showcasing”.  Sort of the “Social media” version of life, versus “real” life. That is far different than a perfect existence. In reality, they are showing the ability to play over pain.  To put on a brave face. And that may be a trait that is even more enviable. Or maybe not.

My mother used to say that we are all like onions.  As we age and grow, living through pain and loss, layer upon layer builds around us to protect us. But to get to the real part of that onion, the real person, you must peel away the layers.  I always loved that metaphor.  Later in my life I found out that she stole that one from somewhere.  But who cares?  To me, it adequately represents what I think is a true representation of life.

The second working axiom that guides my life comes from a childhood friend’s dad.  He used to say, “Don’t believe anything you hear or half of what you see.”  Of course, he borrowed that one too. Later in my life I found out Edgar Allan Poe popularized that tidbit. But again, so what? Regardless of the source, that is truly an insight. A little healthy skepticism never hurt anyone. Let me expound on this. 

A year or so ago, I crossed paths with a former colleague at the grocery store.  We were walking out at the same time.  In that short trip from the door of the store to our cars, he filled me in on the status of his life.  Never once asking about me or mine.  Sadly, that is not atypical!  Regardless, I just let him talk.  And talk he did!

Now let me start by saying I have a wonderful life and couldn't ask for anything more. I live a blessed existence. But that existence is far from perfection, which is unattainable anyway. Yet, I could talk all day about my good fortune, including the love and pride I have in my wife, my kids, my family, my friends and my life. So, I have no reason, other than human nature, to envy anyone's success or achievements. But this instance was so colorful and wrought with successes that I had to take note.

As it turned out, my former colleague's wife was running for city commission and continued to be a successful realtor.  His two kids were both through college, one with a PhD in Astro physics from MIT and the other a veterinarian. He was so ecstatic he had left the food industry when he did, as he was “killing it” as a financial advisor. The whole family had just gotten back from 2 weeks in Europe.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everything in this guy’s life seemed serene.  Beyond perfection. I admit it, I was just a little envious.  But of course, being the cynic that I am, I was also skeptical.

Fast forward 6 months.  I randomly found out this same guy had just gotten divorced, as his wife had caught him having an affair with his intern.  Not too long after this, I saw his daughter working at the vet as a receptionist. Nothing wrong with that of course, but she was far from being a veterinarian.  I asked her how Vet school was and she said she had gone to a local community college. A few weeks later, I also saw in our local paper that this guy's eldest son was being prosecuted for fraud.  So, my former colleague’s diatribe was all an illusion.  A complete fabrication. Sorry to seem like a gossip but I have a point to make.

I also have a former neighbor. He was our neighborhood association president, on the board of our country club and is a successful businessperson. He’s also an avid hunter and golfer.  Has two lovely daughters one at the University of Michigan and the other at Michigan State. Both getting advanced degrees. He plays in a cool 80’s hairband as a fifty something. That's a lot of really diverse stuff! I know all of these facts from just living next door to him. And you know what? He’s the last person to ever talk about himself.  Whenever I see him, it is very clear to me that he would much rather hear about me and my life.  Does he have any issues? Almost certainly! But I feel like his biggest worry is getting his handicap down to single digits.  Or maybe that he’ll lose his Bon Jovi like voice. He may cry himself to sleep every night for all I know. But he sure seems amazing to me. And he doesn't have to fabricate a thing.

He probably has some kind of issue in every facet of his life. But you know what, he would only talk about any of this if you forced him to. And no, I don’t have any dirt on this guy.  If he is human, there likely is some, but if so, I don’t know any of it. He doesn't need to make up anything to make himself look better or feel good. He just lives and makes other people feel better. Regardless of what is hidden behind the curtains of his life.

The point being; everyone has problems.  Everyone is dealing with some kind of shit. As you would expect, some cope better than others, some need a bit more help. Regardless, I'm confident in saying that most people deal with issues much worse than they show to the outside world. Some have to make shit up to feel good.  Others just feel-good hearing how you are doing.  Maybe that is their way of coping?  But everyone is trying to survive something.

Peel off a few layers of my mom’s onion from anyone and you will find some issues that they just can't deal with or are trying hard not to. Your believing otherwise is simply an illusion caused by being unable to see the full picture of their lives.  Frankly, because nobody shows you that. By articulating a fantasy, it basically makes them feel better.  Sadly, sometimes I think they begin to believe in their own illusion.

Yes, there will always be those that artistically portray their perfect lives. Especially in our frenetic social media world. But there are truly few of them.  I believe most people know how to mask their problems just well enough to pass as seemingly normal to others. Then there are people who isolate themselves from the world because it takes too much energy to put up a facade. This often leads to not having many friends or having too few people close to them in their lives.  The people that could potentially help them cope.  So, it is a very circular problem indeed.

How we face adversity and how we let it go is what makes people look so well put together or not. How we approach problems and compartmentalize our shortcomings are the means that “together” people use to cope. This can come naturally or be taught.  Personally, therapy has helped me to reduce the magnitude and number of my issues. I still have my “demons”, but I am much more able to face them and deal with them more successfully.

I try to remember that we all have those demons I spoke of. Whether they are interpersonal issues, workplace related, financial problems, inner conflicts, mental health, or dependency on someone or something, some people are just better at hiding them. Or maybe, just maybe, some people are just content in their life. Realizing they can be "together" even with problems, as long as they are able to find ways to feel okay some of the time.  Who ever said it was not ok to feel bad?  Or envious?

The most important thing I have ever learned is that perfection is not the goal. Like I said, it’s unattainable anyway.  And comparing ourselves to others regarding what we have in life or how we feel, is most certainly the enemy. Be proud of who you are.  Find joys in your own life.  Trust me, that is really all you have control of anyway. So basically, having your shit together is defined as knowing you’ll never truly have your shit together, but you’re going to find joy in life anyway. It’s ok to be an onion.  They smell a lot better before you peel them anyway.